


Like A Dead Fish

by dudebo



Category: Gundam & Related Fandoms, Zeta Gundam
Genre: (attempted at least), Anxiety, Emotional Manipulation, First Kiss, Loneliness, M/M, Touch-Starved, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21778927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dudebo/pseuds/dudebo
Summary: Sometime, you don’t notice just how lonely you are until someone comes to visit you.
Relationships: Char Aznable/Amuro Ray
Kudos: 31





	Like A Dead Fish

Amuro knew he was being watched. He could feel that there were many eyes and ears on him, day and night. It may only be paranoia, he told himself. He wished it was.

__

One day, he started to hear a strange buzz every time he passed before his mansion’s mantelpiece. He told his maid, who said it was probably something to do with his ears. You’ve been to war, after all, she said. You can’t hope to come back intact.

Later, when he was napping in front of the mantelpiece, his mind hazy and cloudy, he saw that same maid nimble with one the wooden details. She was furtively looking around, like she really didn’t want to be seen.

She hasn’t noticed I’m conscious, he thought. Maybe she put something in my food. Good thing I didn’t eat it all. She’s a poor cook.

Careful, she pulled out a screwdriver and adjusted the miniaturized listening device, ceasing the buzzing. He’d recognized it from the White base holding cells, they used it then to spy on prisoners.

Maybe it’s foolish to hope to be left unbothered, he said to himself, after what I did. He didn’t protest, not having the heart to interrupt her.

He closed his eyes, only listening to the sounds, waiting for her to leave.

Maybe I’m not being bothered enough, he thought, letting his mind drift away. It’s been a while since any of my friends came to visit...

__

With time, he started to notice a different sort of people watching him. Non-Federation ones. The Federation spies tended to wear uniforms. Mailmen, delivery people, maids and butlers... Those ones were wearing civilian clothes, hiking in the wilderness that bordered the mansion. Multiple times, he saw some of them trip badly on a straight path, struggling under a light backpack. Like they weren’t used to the heavier weight under Earth’s gravity. « Spacenoids ? » he muttered.

Maybe there’s a new movement in space, he thought, his mind racing. He received the global news, but those were clearly being manipulated. Context was skipped, questions were soft, the Federation was never wrong. That in itself isn’t unusual for any government in history, he thought, trying to reassure himself.

There had been an unusual amount of falling stars lately, he mused. They said it was obsolete satellites being retired, but it could easily be covered-up fights in orbit. And there was his surveillance, which wasn’t getting any lighter...

Something was going on, away from Earth. He could tell.

Maybe this is the reason no one had the time to visit me, he thought. I’m completely out of the loop. Of course, it’s not like I could do anything, being stuck here and watched so closely.

Silently, he wondered what would happen to him if he broke out of his gilded cage.

Nothing good, he told himself.

He kicked at nothing, frustrated by his own impotence.

__

Summer was only in its first weeks and already Amuro was feeling like he could boil in his own sweat. Sadly for him, the house staff spying activities were only getting nosier and nosier.They were always breathing down his neck, asking him pointed questions and generally shadowing him everywhere he went. The only place where he didn’t feel their eyes on him was the pool, outside, facing the drying wilderness.

Even if they’re on duty, he thought, guarding one of the Federation greatest liability, they don’t want to boil alive. I can respect that.

__

He was lazing next to the pool, caked in solar cream, waiting for the day to go by. Facing the wilderness, he could see one of the suspicious hikers.

At least this one spy isn’t breathing down my neck, he commented to himself, throwing his head back.

Suddenly, he snapped back. He could see the hiker getting closer and closer. That was unusual. All the other observers had kept a safe distance, sometimes taking out sketchpad, an old camera or even birdwatching binoculars that were quickly put away when they noticed him watching them back. This one was clearly different, he could feel it.

Will this stranger come and knock at my door, he wondered.

A wave of anxiety suddenly overcame him. What was the stranger’s alignment ? If they came directly to the house, they’d probably be identified by the staff, then followed, arrested and interrogated by the secret service.

Not something that I’d wish on anyone, he thought, remembering some of his bad days after the end of the war. Being debriefed after the final battle had been a very rough experience, and he was on the same side as his interrogators. How a possible enemy would fare, he didn’t want to think about.

They can’t be with the Federation, he added to himself, they wouldn’t be coming from that side of the mansion if they were an official. Do they even know this home is a spy nest? How stupid can they be?

In any case, he couldn’t let them get to the house. Nervously, he threw a rock at the stranger. The projectile took an elegant curve and hit the intruder right on the shoulder.

Unfazed, the stranger kept walking, staring straight at him.

Amuro was getting tired of this.

Having enough, he stood right in the stranger line of sight, and stared back at them. He was trying to be as intimidating as possible. To project his presence, to make them understand they weren’t welcome here. To make them go away and leave him alone.

The stranger waved at him.

« Dammit. » Amuro whispered for himself. He ran into the wilderness, toward the stranger.

__

The sun was relentless, crushing. The dry, spiky grass was cracking under his shoes. He could feel a strange pressure. It’s just the heat, he told himself. Remember, the news are lying when they say humans won’t even feel the effect of climate change. You’ve had enough heatstrokes in spring to know that.

He started to be able to make out the stranger appearance in more detail. Tall, open white shirt, hiking boots, leather pouch. They looks handsome for a voyeur, Amuro thought. He stumbled on a rock, distracted. The stranger approached him, his identity getting clearer. Large sunglasses, long-ish blond hair ...

« Oh, fuck that. » he muttered, tensing up. He knew who this was. The other man let out a laugh and started talking in a familiar, dreaded voice.

« Nice house ! No neighbors, very modern. I’m interested in buying.

\- What are you doing here.

\- The big security force, all the house staff, does it come with you or the house ?

\- Char...

\- My name is Quattro, Quattro Bajeena. No relation to whoever you’re talking about. I’m on vacation. So ? Does it come with it ? »

Why, of all people, did it have to be him ? He tried to calm himself down and breathed deeply.

Why is he asking me about the security, he wondered, his mind hazy.

The other man was smiling. His gaze was concealed behind his sunglasses, but he could feel his stare piercing through.

He want to know if I’m under surveillance, of course, he thought. He can’t tell me anything important, because the situation isn’t safe. Something happened and he needs me. Or maybe he’s just messing with me, but fine, I’ll play along for now.

« It comes with me. Sadly. »

Quattro... No, Char, he’ll always be Char in my eyes, Amuro thought, why are you on Earth.

« Too bad. Do you want to talk, in town ? About the business, house-selling, all that boring adult stuff ?

\- I get it, I get it. »

I hope you’re not just here just to taunt me, he thought, leading him to the road.

__

Amuro was feeling strange, walking along a dusty road with a man who tried to kill him many times. It was a bit uncanny, seeing Char just kicking along, out of uniform, bound by gravity. Amuro couldn’t help but watch him.

He remembered him flying and fighting, lighter than air because of the low gravity. It didn’t seem like it was his first time here though, even it felt like he didn’t quite belong.

His hair is bigger, he thought, and he looks less like a taller Sayla now. The glasses look better than the mask. He seems a bit different, maybe more tired. It seems like he’s working out... But what do I know. I’ve met him in person about two times. I don’t know anything about him. How can I tell if he changed.

« You didn’t tell your house staff you were leaving, he said, interrupting Amuro’s trail of thoughts.

\- They would have never bought your house-buyer act.

\- You could have just said you were going on a date.

\- Like they would have believed me. »

Char laughed.

« You’re don’t see a lot of people, are you ? »

Amuro couldn’t tell if he was mocking him or not. He elected to ignore it.

« How did you find me ?

\- Word of mouth. You’re popular.»

Beat me, he almost said.

I can’t give him anything, he thought, he’d just use it against me. I shouldn’t show any vulnerability to him. I need to find what he’s doing here and why.

« How are you doing ?» Amuro let out, falsely casual. He couldn’t tell anything from Char’s face. The sunglasses were covering the same as his old mask, making him a pain to read. Once a mysterious masked man, always a mysterious masked man, he thought, can’t let that go.

« Great. So, did anyone come to visit you ? »

I’m not telling anything, he thought. I don’t have anything to tell. But maybe _he_ has things to tell me.

« Did you hear from, you know, the family?

\- Mine ?

\- Are you here to taunt me about being an only child ?

-Well, we’re not quite on speaking terms, he let out. Clearly, he was displeased by that situation.

A chip in your armor, Amuro though. Even I can tell you’re bothered.

« There’s a bar, for tourists. In the village. I think. I don’t go out a lot.

\- I couldn’t tell. »

The words were dripping with sarcasm. Snapping back at me because I made you uncomfortable ? This is going to be a painful date night, mused Amuro.

__

They arrived at a busy hotel-bar on the side of the road. Were any of the employees, or the patrons in on the surveillance, he asked himself. If so, on which side could they be. Could he trust anyone here, will he be caught out, snatched away without a trace...

He was pulled out of his anxious spiral by a hand on his shoulder. Surprised, he squirmed.

« You’re paying for the drinks, Char said, casually ignoring his reaction.

\- Will I have to cash out for everything?

\- Least the Fed can do is pay me a night out. Do they have private booths in the back ? A generous tip should get us one. »

Char went inside, leaving him alone. He could still feel the weight of his hand on his shoulder, both heavy and soft to the touch. I think it’s the first time someone actually touched me in... I don’t want to remember, he thought, that’d be too pathetic.

Did he do that on purpose, to unsettle me, he wondered. Is this manipulation, or simply self-centeredness ? Silently, Amuro shook his head. It’s not like the answer would make any difference, he thought, walking into the bar.

__

They both settled in a recently freed up alcove. They could both hear the busy patrons outside, but the sound was muffled by a fine pane of tinted glass. No one seemed to mind them or to especially care they were here. Still, Amuro was worried.

« How do you know this is safe ? My house staff could come find us here.

\- Don’t worry. I’ve got people to do a bit of sabotage. We should have until nightfall. A few hours, at least.

\- So you’re Zeon’s spymaster now ? »

He didn’t respond and hailed a waitress.

Does this mean I’ve got it right, Amuro wondered. He didn’t quit, he’s just flaunting his power and influence in front of me.

Having ordered the drinks, Char leaned in, getting too close to Amuro’s face.

« Zeon’s not on the board right now. I found something better to do. »

He was smiling.

« That’s why you’re here. You want to recruit me. » whispered Amuro, refusing to move away.

The waitress arrived with the drinks, breaking the tension

« Not quite, not quite. The service is very fast here, you should leave a good tip.» said Char, stirring his drink.

He was clearly trying to be charming. It was infuriating.

His attitude seemed so blatant, so fake to Amuro. Maybe he’s wearing the sunglasses because otherwise people would see there’s nothing behind his eyes, he thought. He’s here because he can use me for his own means, to get me to be his soldier, to see me die under him. That what he does.

Amuro took a sip from his drink. He didn’t know the name of it, but it tasted good, sweet and fruity, a bit bitter.

I’m being too cruel, aren’t I, he thought. He’s not the kind of man who can only live for death. At least not the type who’d admit it. No, he’d always find a cause, an ideology, an excuse. I need to find it. For that, I need to make him vulnerable.

« Take off your sunglasses. » he said, emboldened by his own thoughts and the drink.

Char tensed up slightly.

« Please, Amuro asked casually, staring straight at him.

\- I guess it’s not that big a deal. » Char whispered, more to himself than to Amuro.

Silently, he removed the sunglasses covering his face and took a sip from his drink.

He hasn’t changed that much, mused Amuro. He has the same eyes. I don’t know what I expected. Still, somehow, I feel like he’ll be more honest now. That he’ll be hiding less.

« There’s clearly something happening in space, Amuro said, serious. Tell me what.

\- Alright. Come closer. »

Amuro leaned in and Char started to tell him about the Titans power overreach, the erosion of spacenoid rights, the protests and colony massacres that ensued, the radicalization wave that resulted, all the ugly consequences of war that were hidden from the Earth many eyes.

« I could guess, but I didn’t know about all that, Amuro said, dejected.

\- I’m not surprised. Information is being suppressed, even above the atmosphere. »

The ambiance was somber. It was getting dark outside. They hadn’t noticed.

« It’s okay to feel bad, Amuro. » said Char, softly.

There he was, putting on the charm again. Amuro was starting to feel sick. How can I deal with that now, he thought.Char moved to put his hand on his. He didn’t have the heart to back away.

« What are you doing here. »

Pulled out of their private world, they both jumped away. They knew that voice.

« Sayla ?, said Amuro, surprised. » She was standing in the alcove opening, her dress a bit dirtied, looking tired.

« What are _you_ doing here. » let out Char. Amuro could feel a hint of venom in his words.

« I came to see Amuro. I had to take a car, flights have stopped. An air traffic tower fell down. I didn’t expect to see you.

\- Did you go to my house ? asked Amuro, worried.

\- No. This was only supposed to be a pit stop. Well, at least this means we can talk without your staff bothering us. » she said knowingly.

She sit down next to him, facing her brother. Her tight brushed against his as she settled on the bench. Amuro felt a strange warmth filling him as she smiled at him. I haven’t seen her in how much time, he wondered. A year, two years. There was something new about her, he couldn’t put his finger on what.

He glanced at Char. She’s still beautiful, he mused, they have that in common. Still, since only one is likely to stab me then throw me out in space without a normal suit, so I know which one I should be crushing on right now.

« So, what’s going on in your life ?, Char asked diplomatically.

\- A lot. I’m mounting a Human Rights Foundation, for what’s happening. Up there, I mean. She gestured toward the ceiling. I almost have no time to deal with my investments. I missed a shareholder meeting again, Anaheim is hounding me...

\- So you think it’s going to help ? » he said, sarcastic. She stared at him, looking even more tired than before.

They had this conversation before, thought Amuro.

« It’s better than indulging in war, she answered.

\- It isn’t indulgent when it’s the only way you have to fight back. »

This is going to last a while, thought Amuro, leaning back and ordering a new round of drinks.

__

Watching them fight, Amuro realized in which way they both had changed.

For Char, it wasn’t like he matured, or bettered himself. His old flaws were still there, he was just applying them differently. He hasn’t grown up, Amuro mused, he’s just gotten old.

Sayla ? He felt that she had grown up, refined herself into an improved version of the ambitious but frustrated pilot he knew on the White Base. At least she did better than me, he thought.

« We will start mediation talks. If you don’t make us look bad.

\- If we care about looking good in their eyes, there won’t be anyone left to go to these talks. »

Their debate was getting hard to follow. Amuro had the awful feeling of being completely out of the loop. With the both of them so ardent, he didn’t dare asking what was really going on for a while.

Finally, he slammed down his empty drink on the table. They both stopped and turned to stare at him.

« Sorry, he hesitated, but you still haven’t told me why you came to see me.

\- You go first, said Char, moving to grab his glass.

\- I came here to tell you to stay down and not worry. I’ve got the situation in hand. »

Amuro could see Char rolling his eyes as he was downing his drink. Good thing I made him take off the glasses, he thought, amused.

« Great use of your time, Char said. Really, are you going to let him rot in his gilded cage when there’s so much happening ?

\- At least I’m not here to put him in a mobile suit again, and shoot him to space. »

Amuro felt his blood turn to ice.

Space... space was too full of ghosts. Ghosts of those he killed and those he saw die. He didn’t know how either of them could stand to go back there. He hated even the thought of having to go back up.

But, he also hated himself being so inactive, to let himself be ensnared in his own loneliness and isolation. To let himself be lulled by safety and security at the price of his freedom.

Am I broken, or just a coward, he asked himself.

He looked at her, her blonde hair making a golden halo around her head. Do I deserve to sit next to her ? He glanced at the man in front him. Even Char is doing something, he thought. Have I become a worse man than him?

« I never said I was going to ask him to be a pilot again. » interrupted Char, his voice pulling him out of his mental spiral.

« What matters is what he want. »Sayla replied, glancing at him.

Again, he was struck. Some old feelings were starting to bubble up...

« I agree with her, said Amuro flatly. I don’t see what I can do, since I can’t really pilot anymore. My hands are too shaky. I think I’ll stay here.

\- Poor you. Doomed to follow the dog that barks the louder. » said Char wryly.

Sayla ignored him and stood up.

« I’ll go now. It’s getting dark outside, I’ve stayed here too long anyway.

\- I understand. » said Amuro.

Silently, she leaned toward him, a bit too close, like she was going to kiss him goodbye.

His anxiety suddenly shot up. He was going to ruin it, he was going to ruin her. In front of her brother, staring at them, in front of everyone in the bar. It’d be so sweet, so tender, he’d never done it before, he’d waited for so long...

He didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t do it, he wouldn’t do it

Suddenly, he shot up, almost hitting her in the face. Awkwardly, he shook her hand. She smiled at him.

« Sorry. » he mouthed, overcome by shame. He watched her cut through the thickening crowd, not sure that she heard him.

He hadn’t realized how alone he felt until she came back. How much he missed the simple pleasure of human contact, how much he wanted to be held. And now, she wasn’t here anymore.

He turned to the booth. Char was smiling.

He knows, Amuro thought bitterly. Without a word, he ran away.

__

The night air was cool, almost cold on his skin. He could feel the heat stocked up in the ground dissipate under his feet. No one was around.

He took a deep breath. I don’t need to panic, he thought, I didn’t do anything at all. I can just come back home. Come back to where I was, other people will take care of things, as they always do.

He stared at his shoes. That wasn’t home. That was a cage, and he hated himself for staying in it, alone, when he could do anything else but didn’t have the will, the courage to break out himself. No matter how much he wanted to leave, to do something, to do more than just exist, he’d always be his own jailer.

He looked up, to the stars and all the blinking lights in the night sky.

I yearn, he thought, I yearn for change, but does someone like me even deserve to have those feelings ?

He heard a huff behind him. He turned. It was Char, his hands in his pockets, staring at him, neutral. The soft night wind was sweeping his hair. He reminded him of Sayla, now more than ever.

He hadn’t put his sunglasses back on.

Do I want to go with him, he wondered. He could steal me away. But he won’t treat me right. He’d be my superior, and I know what happens to his subordinates. I’d never stand to be under him.

Do I want to be him? I can’t. He would lead, I only want to follow. Both Sayla and him agree on that.

Do I want to kiss him? I’m just lonely, I just hate myself.

How old am I, again, he asked himself. I forget, often, too often. I’m about twenty-two years old. That’s too old for someone who doesn’t know how to handle being with others, but it’s also awfully young for someone who feels every day will be grey.

I wouldn’t... I wouldn’t dare touch Sayla, he thought I wouldn’t do that to her. Char? I don’t care if it hurt him. He doesn’t deserve the same care, he doesn’t deserve anything. He’ll do, he’ll do, if I want him to.

Amuro approached the other man, the muffled sounds of the bar banging incoherently in his ears. He was close, closer than anyone should be. Char didn’t smile, but he didn’t back away either.

Leaning in, Amuro kissed him.

His lips were warm, warmer than he thought they would be. They were soft, tasting better than he imagined. Amuro could feel the other calm breath on his skin. Tentatively, he wormed his tongue in his mouth.

The saliva left a gross, wet feeling. He hadn’t expected it. The other man tongue stayed inactive, lacking in any passion. This is too one-sided, thought Amuro, glum. He pulled out, taking a step away. Char wiped his mouth. Amuro just stared at him.

« What did you expect, Char asked, expressionless.

\- To push me away ? To mock me ? To do anything ? You kiss like a dead fish. I’d thought you’d be better at it.

-I don’t care if you liked it or not. You’re the one who started it, after all. »

Dejected, Amuro turned away. He didn’t even want to guess how Char was feeling right now.

The cold was biting him now, even if he knew this was only a cool summer night. What else could I have expected, he thought. I dared to long for something, and to act on my longing. I didn’t want to hurt someone else and I ended up hurting myself. I guess it’s what I deserve. He wanted to laugh at his awful decisions.

Suddenly, he felt Char hugging him from the back, his warmth, his mass enveloping him.

« Do you want to know why I came here ? » he whispered in his ear. He could feel his breath down his neck.

« I thought you hated...

\- I said, do you want to know ?

\- Yes. »

Char nestled his head against the curve of his neck, still holding his arms tightly against him.

« I wanted to steal you away. Not so you would join me, necessarily, but so you wouldn’t be used against me. Tell you what was going on, so you could make a choice. The right choice. Give you freedom, in a way.

\- You know, before Sayla came, I probably would have agreed to ran away with you. You could have convinced me.»

He could just feel him grinning against his shoulder.

« I could never hate Sayla. After all, I took that path for her, back when she was a child. She just didn’t grow to appreciate it. I guess I’ll have to accept it, eventually. »

Sayla didn’t ask you to do anything, Amuro thought. How can you be bitter she didn’t like being abandoned by her only brother. As an only child, he could only imagine how she had felt.

Char started to pull out of their embrace. Amuro grabbed his wrists and pulled him back. Even if he despised the man for many reasons, his warmth, his touch felt too good, especially after so much cold.

« You were the first person to come see me in a long time.

\- I knew you’d be more receptive then. Lonely people are easy to convince.»

He wasn’t mad at me for the kiss, he thought. He was probably just frustrated that he didn’t think about it first. Amuro looked away, grasping at Char’s arms, still hooked around his shoulders.

« I’m not surprised you’re like that. You don’t know how it is to feel alone all the time, even in a crowd.

\- Oh, I am always alone, no matter the place. I just don’t feel lonely. »

Amuro turned to stare at him. He was smiling.

They heard the roar of a motor in the distance.

« I’m going to leave, now. » Char said, putting his sunglasses back on.

Amuro glanced at the road. His house staff was coming to pick him up, like well trained dogs. But I’m not their master, thought Amuro.

« If you ever wants us to elope, give me a call! » laughed Char, turning away. Amuro laughed back.

« Take me on a real date before ! », he yelled, not caring if anyone else heard him.

Maybe I could let myself wish for something better, he thought wistfully, looking at Char disappearing into the night.


End file.
